I always remember thanking God that I wasn't a man. The stress of providing for a family or being the head of the house hold has never seemed appealing to me. The call that God has for their life (Esphesians 5:23), I always thought seemed like a lot. As I am settling more into my roll as wife and mother, I realize there are some stressors that maybe I didn't see coming. Now of course, there is NOTHING else I'd rather be doing than being a wife to my husband and a mother to Noelle. But I have struggled with some emotions I never expected to have. Unlike the baby blues I experienced, these feelings and emotions don't seem like they will ever go away. It will just be a matter of praying and dealing with them in a way that makes them manageable.
Being a woman is amazing and I thank God for placing me here in this roll. I totally feel like shouting "hear me roar" in my "Rosie the Riveter" stance but some stuff you just can't get away from. Like all or most things, there are remedies, for the curse of Eve, labor pains, there's a needle in the back for that (though I wish there was just an app). A monthly period, there's a pill or device to keep those away, and thank God for Motrin and heating pads. But the constant pressure felt with being a Wife and a Mom, how do you get rid of that? The saying "A Mother's work is never done" is far from just a phrase, it is #TRUTH! I recall people asking me while I was pregnant if I was ready for this? Picture 3 children running in circles and screaming. My response was always the same, they don't come out like that and God willing, we'll do one at a time. Now Tj and I laughed about how overwhelmed I feel with the laundry and the fact that I call myself wanting 3 children (the irony of this post may be quite entertaining if we ever get to be a family of five). The feelings can range from, "why do I get on Pinterest, I feel like an awful mother because I don't do any of those creative things with Noelle". Or," should I blog while Noelle is sleeping or clean up this place?". Why is there always so much laundry and how it is possible that I complain that I have nothing to wear? Sometimes I worry that Noelle isn't getting enough "educational time". Does she watch too much TV, am I reading to her enough? These feeling can be multiplied if you are a working mother.
When I returned from my maternity leave, I felt different. Being a pediatric nurse is the most rewarding job, and doing it as a mom adds something to you, something good. I was told by several of my colleagues that things would change for me and I didn't see it until one day. I floated to the oncology unit and there was a girl who had her arm amputated because of her cancer. She was only about 3 years old and I remember thinking how that mom must have felt. She had given birth to this healthy baby girl and then this. All I could picture was how I would kiss Noelle's hand while I was breastfeeding her and how this mother could have never imagined that hand being gone. It was enough for me to lose it in the car on the way home. The job also brings perspective, there is nothing like complaining about coming to work and then taking care of my patient's and their families who wouldn't let a complaint leave their lips. There is no job like being a mother. God gives us new meaning when he trusts us with his most precious gifts. It is so easy to get in the habit of comparing ourselves to other mom's, one whose blogs we follow (myself included). But God equipped us with exactly what we need for our angels. Even comparing children, as much as we may not want to admit it, happens. Noelle just began to walk within the last week at 16 months. I'd see other children younger than her began to walk and I'd ask myself if I was doing enough to help her.
When I returned from my maternity leave, I felt different. Being a pediatric nurse is the most rewarding job, and doing it as a mom adds something to you, something good. I was told by several of my colleagues that things would change for me and I didn't see it until one day. I floated to the oncology unit and there was a girl who had her arm amputated because of her cancer. She was only about 3 years old and I remember thinking how that mom must have felt. She had given birth to this healthy baby girl and then this. All I could picture was how I would kiss Noelle's hand while I was breastfeeding her and how this mother could have never imagined that hand being gone. It was enough for me to lose it in the car on the way home. The job also brings perspective, there is nothing like complaining about coming to work and then taking care of my patient's and their families who wouldn't let a complaint leave their lips. There is no job like being a mother. God gives us new meaning when he trusts us with his most precious gifts. It is so easy to get in the habit of comparing ourselves to other mom's, one whose blogs we follow (myself included). But God equipped us with exactly what we need for our angels. Even comparing children, as much as we may not want to admit it, happens. Noelle just began to walk within the last week at 16 months. I'd see other children younger than her began to walk and I'd ask myself if I was doing enough to help her.
Having a supportive husband to talk to is so important but taking a step back and asking God to remove feelings of inadequacy is most important. I struggle with being present with Noelle by getting distracted with my phone. I have made it a point to put my phone away when I get home from work. I want to create more times in the day when my phone is off limits. This summer I will make it a point to make more adventures with Noelle, more trips to the park, more crafting, more play dates. I know I can't do all 8,000 things that I've pinned on Pinterest but I know that I can learn, improve and grow as her mom and I know that God will give me the strength to be the type of mother I want to be. Mistakes will be made, Noelle may repeat a bad word that she heard from her mama but the love I have for her, she will know it and feel it.
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